Back to the Beginning
by iheartShules
Summary: After a chance sighting John, and Joss finally talk about why they are avoiding each other.:Ep Tag for Proteus takes place like days after the events in Proteus: EDIT: hmmmmmmmm I am getting some PMs, and reviews already asking me to add to this to fully resolve the issue between them. If you want me to I will just let me know if that's what you would like! so 4 now its in progress


_**Author's note: I think I need to seek help with my addiction for this show its insane how much I adore this show. I loved the latest episode, but the severe lack of Reese/Carter is creating a hole in me that's widening with each and every episode without a look, or a phone call, or anything between them. So I manufactured a moment that takes place just days after Proteus ;) I tried to remain as true to the characters as possible, but I am afraid that my shipping heart went too far lol. But I do hope you enjoy the small one shot tag to this episode!**_

* * *

She made a mistake a crucial error that she had been avoiding making for months now.

One look from his piercing blue eyes, and it was over. Her resolve, her determination, and strength to stay away gone in a flash from one look from those heart stopping soulful blue eyes.

All those hard months of keeping her distance were done for nothing because in her haste to make sure he was alright she had seen him, and like that the same emotions as before threatened to choke her. She wanted to move on to be happy, but she had a sinking feeling that she couldn't do that until they resolved this issue between them. Joss rolled her head back, and forth wishing she could rewind time just a mere forty eight hours prior to now just after Cal, and her saved Finch but before she saw _him_.

"I'm glad you agreed to meet me Joss." she didn't look up from the glass of whiskey she had. She needed something stronger then a fruity cocktail.

"Sit." she responded still feeling like she was losing herself, and had no way of stopping it. She felt rather then heard him sit beside her on the open barstool. She felt the gentle touch on her elbow knowing he was trying to be a nice guy trying to be someone she could fall for, and he was _before. _Why couldn't he be now? It wasn't just the inquiries from Internal Affairs that was holding her back it was more to it then that.

"This doesn't sound good." Joss finally lifted her gaze from the glass in front of her to Cal's face. It was solemn, but also determined. "Joss if this is about-" she shook her head stopping him right there.

"No, its not just that anymore Cal its not just about you being investigated."

"Then what Joss because I thought we fit pretty good together? I liked you I thought you liked me, and we were getting ready to involve Taylor."

"Yeah." she nodded looking away.

"Then you get passed over for that opportunity with the FBI because of me, and since then you won't return any of phone calls, or seem to want to have anything to do with me. I tried to prove to you that I am trustworthy, and I think I did when I saved you, and that man from the shooter the other day."

"You did prove to me that you are sincere with caring for me."

"Then why can't we start moving past this?"

"Its me Cal." she exhaled roughly turning her sharp brown gaze onto him.

"I know you've been hurt before, and that's why I am more then willing to hold out hope for us."

"Its not because of that. I can't stop thinking about another man." there she said it. Unwillingly she thought about _him_ at all times of the day, and night. She thought about him when she first arose from her slumber, and he was the last thought in her head before she drifted off.

"I see." his eyes searched hers, and she saw sadness fill his brown depths. "You told me you haven't seen a man in a while prior to us going out so is he Taylor's father?"

"No, he's not Taylor's father. He's a friend of mine, and things are a bit complicated between us."

"A bit complicated?"

"I just think its best if we go our separate ways Cal."

"I don't want too." he grabbed her hand tightly in his. "I really like you Joss, and I can't help but think that this is about you being passed up for that amazing opportunity because of me. I'm sorry Joss if I could change it I would, but I am who I am, and I can't change."

"I'm not asking you too, and you might be a legit cop with inquiries where there shouldn't be. But it doesn't change the fact that I still think about another man more then I think about you. Its not fair to you Cal."

"Do you think you can make it work with this guy?"

"No." she smiled sadly.

"Now that's sounds unfair to you Joss." she tugged her hand from within his taking a moment to down the last of her whiskey.

"Cal it doesn't matter because I can't be in a relationship with you while I think about another man."

"So this is really it huh?"

"Yes, I would hope we could remain friends."

"I don't want to be just your friend." he looked away for a moment before bringing his eyes back on hers. "But maybe in time I can handle that." he sighed standing up from the barstool leaving the drink he had ordered untouched. "I hope it works out for you Joss because you should be happy."

"Thanks." he nodded curtly before turning around leaving the bar. Joss closed her eyes wishing the mixture of feelings inside her would just disappear forever. She threw money on the counter before standing up herself. She exited out of the pub pulling her coat tighter around herself against the brisk New York night's air. The soft tap of her soles of her flat pumps hitting the pavement mixed with the noise of cars whizzing by were the only sounds greeting her ears.

"Rough night detective?" she paused as her breath froze in her throat all her senses going on high alert. He moved out of the shadows, and she felt an immediate gut reaction to him. Two days ago when she had showed up to Owen Island to warn him, and seeing him for the first time in a long while had left her reeling. The only word he spoke to her that night had been a brief thanks for saving Finch, and that was all.

"John what are you doing here?"

"A little of this, and that." his answer was vague, and she felt suspicious that he had been tailing her for some reason.

"You weren't following me were you?"

"Why would you think that?"

"I don't know because that's how you are."

"Maybe that is how I am, but I swear Carter I didn't follow you here. I just saw you walking alone, and you looked a little down."

"Why do you even care?" the words were out before she had a chance to call them back. She didn't know why she was being confrontational with him. It wasn't his fault that she was having more then mere platonic feelings for him. He hadn't given her any indication that he wanted more then just a friendly relationship between them. John hadn't done anything wrong, and yet she was being accusatory which was wrong of her. But she saw no confusion, or anger in his blue eyes just acceptance.

"I'll leave you be detective." with that he turned away. God why was this so hard? Why couldn't they just go back to the way things were before he was arrested, and before he had a bomb strapped to his chest. Their relationship had been easy with the conversations, the sideway jokes, and she had gotten a glimpse of the man underneath the frosty exterior. Now they were further apart then they had been when she had thought of him nothing more then the man in the suit who had to be captured. She wanted to cry, and she hated crying!

"That's not what I want John!" she called out in the middle of the sidewalk a couple onlookers gave them a stares but said nothing. John halted from disappearing from her turning to look back at her with an odd expression on his face. "Can we talk John somewhere anywhere more private then in front of the whole world that can hear us?"

He nodded his head motioning towards her car. Fine, anywhere was better then in the middle of a damned sidewalk where anyone could hear. She climbed into the driver's side after John had taken a moment to climb into the passenger side enveloping them in darkness, and quiet.

"What would you like to discuss?"

"What happened to us John?"

"What do you mean?"

"One minute we were friends, and the next we are colder then ice to one another." she stared out of the windshield so she didn't have to look him in the eyes.

"I needed to distance myself from you." she blinked her eyes before turning them to him as he gave her an honest answer.

"Why?"

"You did too much for me."

"Excuse me?"

"You did too much for me when I was in Rikers." he had been staring out the side window but now his gaze met hers, and she felt like she was drowning in them.

"You're my friend."

"If Kara never smashed into our car, and Donnelly never dies you would be in jail now because of me."

"John it was my choice to help you."

"You destroyed evidence for me you crossed a line that I never wanted you to have to cross for me."

"John I crossed that line for you a long time ago before Rikers ever happened."

"I just think its best if we continue the way we've been."

"Best for whom me, or you?" she was getting what she thought she wanted. John was backing off giving her life back, but yet it left her dissatisfied. "Do you know why I pulled back John?"

"I assume its for the same reason Carter."

"No its not, and I don't think you solely pushed back from me just because of my career." she stopped trying to clear her throat when it became rough. She licked her lips deciding to throw caution to the wind, and seek some answers to questions that been plaguing her for months now. "_What is this_?"

"Cater I don't think its wise to talk about this." she happened to agree, but it didn't matter now that she asked it she wanted an honest answer from him.

"What is happening between us John?" his eyes lifted to hers connecting, and she felt like she was losing herself in them.

"I don't know." he looked sincere, and as confused as she was. Her anger at him, and at them vanished as quickly as it came up on her.

"Where do we go from here John?"

"I wish I knew the answer to that Carter." she nodded leaning her head back against the headrest. She missed talking with him, and being around him so much.

"How about we backpedal?"

"How does that work Carter?" she sent him a sidelong glance with a half smile.

"We go back to when it worked for us."

"Do you think that's even possible?"

"I don't know, but its worth a shot right? We can't keep going on like this John we are working together, and yet not."

"I just don't want you to throw away your career, or your life for me because I'm not worth the trouble."

"Well I guess we will have to agree to disagree John because you are worth the trouble. You're a good man even though you piss me off royally half the time when you don't listen to me." he chuckled softly, and it felt like the tension between them that had been simmering the entire time they were in the car slowly ebbed. Maybe they could do this maybe by admitting to one another that they felt a little more then just friendly feelings they could get back what they almost lost. "John I think we are both adult enough to admit that we are attracted to one another."

"You're a very desirable woman Joss." she filed away the fact that her heart hammered at the sweet compliment for future analyzing instead focusing on gaining their friendship back.

"And even though we are attracted to one another I think we can salvage our friendship because we work great together. So let's make a deal that we just put these past months behind us, and go back to a time when it was simpler for us?" she held out her hand, and his eyes flickered from her outstretched hand up to her eyes. He smiled softly.

"Deal." their eyes never leaving one another's as if enthralled in each other's gazes as he reached out taking her hand with his. The brief touch of his hand with hers left her almost paralyzed in sensations, and as if he felt the same thing he dropped her hand abruptly. A simple touch left her yearning for more. "I should be going Carter to leave you to the rest of your night."

"I have no plans."

"No plans with Beecher?"

"We decided to stop dating one another."

"Did he hurt you?" she blinked when his voice took a lethal tone, and his eyes blazed fiercely protective of her.

"No, he didn't hurt me." she sighed _he just wasn't you_.

"I'm sorry Joss that things didn't work out with him." she nodded trying to not ask him if he was being honest or merely saying it to be a friend. She wanted their easy relationship back, and to achieve that was by locking away their attraction to one another away so that it wouldn't interfere with their ability to be around one another.

"Yeah me too."

"Well goodnight detective." he grabbed the door handle before pushing the door open swinging his long legs out of her car before standing up.

"John." she called before he could shut the door. He leaned down to peek his head in.

"Yeah?"

"Its good to have this back." he nodded his head with another one of his rare smiles, and he silently shut the door leaving her encompassed in the dark car alone. Joss watched his silhouette disappear before she turned her car on to drive home, and try her hardest at locking away her feelings for John Reese once and for all.

* * *

Author's note: I love protective John. Who am I kidding I just love Reese everything about him is made of win :) I got a new idea that literally just sprang into my mind while typing this author's note(see I'm telling you guys I need to seek professional help for this couple/show its unhealthy hahahahahahahaha) SQUEEEE its fluffy and a total one shot if you guys wouldn't mind reading a baby ficlet that smutty like with basketball! AHHHHHHHHHHHH I need to go write it down now hahahahahahahaha. If anyone has any suggestions I welcome any one shot ideas so if you have one let me know!

Thanks for taking the time to read, and or comment I appreciate it, and I hope you enjoyed the one shot :)


End file.
